Transparent Confessional Relationships

Normal Christianity & The Need of the Hour for Christian Leaders

Many in the Christian community have been rocked by the recent revelation of the secret life of sexual sin and abuse by the renowned Christian apologist Ravi Zacharias. This tragic failure follows in the wake of other well-known leaders such as Bill Hybels. Both of these cases involved abuse of power, and in Zacharias’ case, sexual exploitation and assault on multiple women whom he violated and now face horrific trauma. We lament the pain, loss and devastation of these survivors and pray for their healing and restitution. 

But the culture of silence and secrecy that incubates such predatory sexual exploitation is not limited to just megachurch pastors and leaders of large international ministries but also shows up in local congregations. There are ample examples of lesser-known local leaders who have joined the ranks of those whose lives of secret sin and abuse have been exposed. To add to this, there are leaders who have secretly struggled with depression, with some who have sadly succumbed to suicide. While the pressures associated with COVID may have exacerbated these problems, this spiritual malady has extended well beyond the current moment.

But the culture of silence and secrecy that incubates such predatory sexual exploitation is not limited to just megachurch pastors and leaders of large international ministries but also shows up in local congregations.

And the tragedy of these failures does not stop with the leaders themselves or even with the direct victims of their abuse. We know that when a Christian leader (most often a man) falls, it is not just the offending individual alone who suffers but all those who are attached to that person. Often wives and children take the disproportionate brunt from these failures but the harm extends to the parishioners whose trust was violated and to the broader community whose confidence in the Church and our truth claims is eroded. 

To me, this failure points to a systemic problem that must be addressed, namely the absence of safe, transformative environments where leaders can bring their burdens, baggage, and temptations BEFORE they grow into full blown sin or some other destructive action. 

Please know that my concern does not arise out of a harsh pharisaical posture in a rush to condemn these fallen leaders, but rather out of my own brokenness, vulnerability, and contrition. This is a sad hard reality that calls for lament, deep self-reflection related to our own practices, and repentance. 

My Story

Let me share about how these issues have intersected with my own life and ministry. My aim in being as transparent as possible is an attempt to communicate that the burden I feel is not coming from a place of superiority and strength, but instead out of a place of vulnerability and weakness. I open this window into my life with the hope that it will open a space for you to connect with your own story.

As a child and teenager, I was sexually abused by a neighbor and by one of my favorite high school teachers. I was also introduced to pornography and drugs at an early age. All of these wounds, brokenness, and sin became a part of my formation as a person. When I came to faith in Christ at age 18, my life radically changed in many ways but some of the inner wounds and addictions were much harder places for me to find healing and freedom. Consequently, I entered into adulthood and even into my marriage and ministry not having sufficiently dealt with these areas of my life.  And I didn’t feel the Church was equipped or safe to deal with these things, so I struggled with these issues on my own, often stuffing or covering them over.

When I came to do church planting ministry in Boston, our team leader abruptly left his wife a year and half into our church plant. Later it was revealed that he had had multiple sexual indiscretions with women in our church. After he left, I became the new team leader at age 26. But as I stepped into this role, I was keenly aware that I had a lot of brokenness and vulnerabilities that I had not sufficiently processed with God and trusted others. Out of desperation, I found a Christian counselor where I “bought” safe space to begin to unpack these areas of my life. I did not want to be next in line to fail publicly and to harm my marriage and the work of the Lord. I knew that I very easily could do so.

While the professional counseling was helpful, it was not sufficient. It was not until I entered into a program called Living Waters that I found a safe healing community that gave me the language, discipleship tools, and pathway to find healing, greater wholeness, and freedom. Through these experiences, I saw even more clearly how anemic most churches and ministries were in providing the community and tools necessary for finding healing and freedom in these areas of brokenness.

Sadly, this spiritual anemia is common not only in congregations but also among Christian leaders. We only need to look at the long list of leaders who have fallen in sin and despair in the past few years to see that Christian leaders are in no way exempt.  Locally, I am aware of one well-known ministry that is known for rescuing folks out of lives of addiction, whose senior leadership has had a series of successive failures with leaders reverting to drug abuse, sexual indiscretion, abuse of power, and even suicide. When leaders such as this fall prey to such sin, this suggests to me that something is missing. And this is what I think it is: walking with trusted others in total transparency with our weakness and vulnerabilities.

When leaders such as this fall prey to such sin, this suggests to me that something is missing. And this is what I think it is: walking with trusted others in total transparency with our weakness and vulnerabilities.

The Need of the Hour for Christian Leaders

After the team leader of our church planting effort fell – and soon after I experienced healing with Living Waters – I came to see that I HAD to have one or two or three people that I walked with in total transparency and accountability. A group where I could practice in real time the admonition of James 5:13-16, especially v16:

13 Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

I came to see that having such a community of practice was not a luxury or an optional activity but one that is essential to authentic Christian faith. And doubly important for Christian leaders. This kind of rich, caring, redeeming community is one of God’s greatest gifts to us as people of God, and especially for Christian leaders. 

I love Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s comment on James 5:16:

“Those who remain alone with their evil are left utterly alone. It is possible that Christians may remain lonely in spite of daily worship together, prayer together, and all their community through service—that the final breakthrough to community does not occur precisely because they enjoy community with one another as pious believers, but not with one another as those lacking piety, as sinners. For the pious community permits no one to be a sinner. Hence all have to conceal their sins from themselves and from the community. So we remain alone with our sin, trapped in lies and hypocrisy, for we are in fact sinners….

You cannot hide from God. The mask you wear in the presence of other people won’t get you anywhere in the presence of God. God wants to see you as you are, wants to be gracious to you.”

-From Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian in Community 

A Self-Imposed Prison; and a Needless One

The prison of walking alone in our pain, temptations, and sin is a sad self-imposed prison but one that is totally unnecessary. Indeed, as the Apostle Peter noted in 2 Peter 1:3, God has “given us all that we need for life and godliness.”  In fact, when we create safe transparent spaces to “confess our sins to one another and to pray for one another,” we find that God does some of his most profound redeeming work in those spaces. When we come out of hiding and walk out of our dark places and into the light, we experience new dimensions of God’s healing.  

Becoming Wounded Healers

Another benefit for Christian leaders walking in these kinds of transparent confessional relationships is that it increases our capacity to humbly and authentically call others out of hiding and darkness and to come into the light. We become wounded healers. God uses us in our strengths but he uses us even more profoundly in our weaknesses IF we offer those to him and trusted others in a redemptive healing process.  

In my late 40s – after learning and walking in many of the skills that I mentioned above – I went into a debilitating period of depression. I was unable to continue in ministry and went into a directed sabbatical which became another environment for providing tremendous healing grace in my life. And out of that redeemed pit of despair God has enabled me to minister to other leaders who are struggling with depression. God is faithful in redeeming our pain for his glory if we offer the pain to him.

My Life Now: Already, Not Yet

I have been walking with trusted others in the way I have described in this article for nearly 25 years. What has been the result? In short, my life parallels the Kingdom as an “already, not yet” reality. Already: I am a safer leader. I am more comfortable in my own skin than I used to be. My wife feels more secure in our relationship. I am a better father. I have an increased capacity to call other leaders out of hiding because I have been able to integrate my weakness and brokenness into my own story of redemption. And, Not Yet: I still wrestle with temptation (but it does not have the same power that it used to have in my life). There are still areas of brokenness in my life that God is addressing, like peeling back layers of an onion. His perfecting work in me continues and one of his primary go-to tools is the circle of trusted others that I have surrounded myself with.

Resources

Below you will find some resources to help you move toward walking in richer, more transparent confessional relationships. Most of these have been formative resources in my own journey. If you need further suggestions of how to pursue these kinds of relationships in your life, please feel free to reach out to me.

• Desert Stream – Living Waters 
  
• Journey – USA

• Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
  
• Barnabas Ministries (John 1:23 Pastoral Support Groups)

• Life Transformation Groups

• Covenant Eyes – Internet accountability using a covenant partners approach

• Contact Gregg Detwiler for a one-time consultation 

• Bonus: Thanks to a reader for pointing me to a recent book written by Scot McKnight and his daughter, Laura Barringer, entitled A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing. Here is a podcast where Scot unpacks the message of the book. Well worth the listen!  Start listening at the 40-minute mark.

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Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. -Galatians 6:1-5